Et Tu, Jimmy?

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

Here's what Jimmy John's promises on their menu:

"All of my tasty sub sandwiches are a full 8 inches of homemade french bread, fresh veggies and the finest meats and cheese I can buy! And if it matters to you, we slice everything fresh everyday in this store, right here where you can see it. (No mystery meat here!)"

All that and an unforgettable name too. You can't say it just once. Jimmy John's. JEEEmy John's. Jimmy JOHN'S. JJ's. The big double J. It’s been at least a year since I’ve snagged some takeout at the J-MAN, but something about the Monday vibe and a touch of nostalgia for a former sammich-loving colleague got me off my big behind and on my way to W. Division.

Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

Jimmy John’s

51 W Division St (between N Dearborn and N Clark)

Chicago, IL

312-482-8176

The Order

#1 Pepe (real applewood smoked ham and provolone cheese garnished with lettuce, tomato, and mayo.)

$5.76 with tax

The Wait

It was one of those Mondays, so I didn’t get to Jammy-Jay’s until about 1:30. And the place was as empty as my stomach. I was stunned. Obviously the lunch rush was long over, but I’ve never, ever, EVER seen Jimmy John’s empty. Nobody at the little tables. Nobody in line. Nobody waiting in over in that uncomfortable little corner by the drink machine for their order to come up. You'd think this would mean a short wait and fast service, but I waited almost ten minutes for my order. I couldn't help feeling just a little sad.

RATING: 6


The Presentation

One of the things I’ve always loved about Jimmy John’s is the guys they hire to make the sandwiches. Young, pierced, tattooed men and women of all colors and creeds with smiles on their faces and a spring in their step. That’s the presentation there – the wax paper and masking tape the sandwich itself comes in doesn’t do a thing for the food one way or the other. If I was feeling a little sad earlier, though, it quickly turned to disgust after I placed my order. A single surly sandwich slinger with grime under his fingernails, crumbs in his beard and a wrinkled, condiment-encrusted shirt “sliced everything fresh” for me. I wish he hadn’t.

RATING: 2


The Food Itself

My appetite almost gone by this point, I gingerly unwrapped my #1 Pepe with real applewood smoked ham and provolone cheese at my desk and sighed in disappointment. The bread was smashed flat, soaked through with mayo and barely able to do its job of holding the sandwich together as I took my first bite. I don’t know what passes for “…fresh veggies and the finest meats and cheese I can buy” at Jimmy John’s these days, but the tasteless pink tomatoes and brown lettuce snuffed out whatever applewood smoked flavor might have been left in the ham. Did I cry just a little as I swallowed? Only my keyboard and I will ever know for sure.

RATING: 1

Jimmy John’s, you’ve broken my heart. To paraphrase your menu, it matters to me. I’ve had a lot of good sandwiches with a lot of good friends and colleagues at conference room tables an inside your little hole in the wall on W Division. But those days are gone. No more nicknames. No more nostalgia. No more sammiches with vegetarian colleagues.

OVERALL RATING: 3

Now THAT'S a slice of pizza

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

I'm not a very good Chicagoan. Or so my family, friends and neighbors tell me. I complain about winter. I was happy when Macy's bought Marshall Field's. I support booth the Cubs AND the White Sox, and could care less about the Bears, Bulls and Blackhawks. And whenever I hear people call Chicago the City of Big Shoulders, I mutter to myself, "More like the city of people who don't know how to walk in a straight line, especially when wearing a thousand dollar suit and carrying a tent-sized umbrella."

But worst of all, my most heinous and unforgivable crime, is the fact that I hate Chicago style deep dish pizza. It's like the Thanksgiving dinner of Italian- American dishes, except they serve it all year 'round. Too much sauce, too much cheese, too much sausage, too much everything. I prefer big, floppy, thin crust wedges that you can eat while sitting at your desk or walking down the street. Like they make in New York City. Or - GASP! - San Francisco. Luckily, I've found a little place near my office that serves takeout thin crust pizza by the slice. It's called Pizza-Ria, and they'll sell you a satisfying meal that won't make you feel like you swallowed a bowling ball coated in axle grease.

Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

405 N. Wabash Ave. #2
Chicago, IL 60611
312-348-5558


The Order

"Big Meaty" Pizza Slice
$8.39 with tax


The Wait

Pizza-Ria changed ownership recently, and though the place looks like a bit of a pigsty now, the speed and quality of service has improved significantly. I ducked in out of the wind at about 11:50pm and found myself at the end of a decent sized line. But with two people taking orders and three people slinging slices the line moved quickly and I was able to order within about five minutes. Another five minutes and I had my slice and choice of condiments in hand. I wouldn’t exactly call Pizza-Ria fast food, but it appears they have a good system in place now.

RATING: 10


The Packaging

Pizza-Ria packaging is bare bones. The slice goes into a box made from 90% post-consumer content and they always ask whether you want a bag, napkins and condiments rather than just handing them out. I chose to go with just the box and the pizza stayed hot all the way to my desk. Can’t argue with that.

RATING: 10


The Food Itself

To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “Mmmmmmm, Biiiigggg Meeeaaatyyyy.” The slice was hot, smelled like heaven and the crust was toasted to perfection. Sometimes when you put too much cheese, sauce, sausage, pepperoni, bacon and ground beef on a pizza slice, the whole mass congeals and tries to slide off the crust and into your lap. Not so with the Pizza-Ria Big Meaty. They have it down to a science; just enough of everything to be truly big and meaty while still holding together long enough to get it from the box and into your belly.

RATING: 10


So what if I'm not a good Chicagoan? I was born and raised in the tropics - why would I be? All that matters is I know what I like in a slice of pizza and I know where to find it. And now you do too.

OVERALL RATING: 10

(There's a homeless guy calls himself "Smokin' Dave" who hangs out in front of the McDonald's next to Pizza-Ria. He'll be getting the bulk of my pizza slice on my way to the train tonight. I sliced off and ate a two inch by two inch piece to write this review as I am on a "not get any fatter" diet.)

Sculpture, smokers and soup

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

A colleague passed by my cubicle around noon today carrying a large styrofoam cup that smelled like Mexico. Specifically, San Miguel de Allende, a city smack dab in the middle of the country overflowing with history, art and great food. I stopped her as she passed and asked, "What is that? And where did you get it?"

"Tortilla soup," she replied, "from the Equitable Building." Before she could say another word, I grabbed my coat, checked my wallet and headed out into the freezing rain.

Though I've worked very near the Equitable Building for several years, today marked my first time ordering lunch from their subterranean cafeteria and bar. Having survived the driving sleet, a group of chain-smokers taking shelter upwind behind a lump of bad sculpture, and the world's narrowest escalator, I found myself in a space decorated more like a two star hotel hallway than anywhere you'd consider eating lunch. The place did smell good, though, so I figured I'd give it a try.


Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

Equitable Building Cafeteria
401 N Michigan Ave, Chicago
312-595-2265


The Order

Large Tortilla Soup
$6.95 with tax


The Wait

To say the place was a madhouse at 12:10 on a Monday afternoon is an understatement. And though I should have anticipated the whole salad bar 'pay-by-the-ounce' setup, having to stand in a long line while people weighed their food was frustrating just the same. It took 25 minutes to ladle my soup, pay and make my way back to the escalators. Way too long.
RATING: 3


The Packaging

Not much to say here. With takeout soup, it's either plastic-lined cardboard or styrofoam. Neither one offers much in the way of insulation or earth-friendly waste, but it does get the soup where you want it to go.
RATING: 6


The Presentation

My eyes lit up as I lifted the lid at my desk; several shades of orange, purple (from the corn chip strips) and barely visible specks of greens and browns (from the spices) turned the soup into art and the styrofoam cup into a frame. Not bad for a place calling itself a cafeteria.
RATING: 8


The Food Itself

Unfortunately, the wait at the register had left the soup on the cold side of lukewarm. I slurped a couple of mouthfuls and could almost imagine how good it would have tasted fresh from the kettle, but imagination is free and this had cost me money, wet hair and a soggy collar.
RATING: 3


If you're going to order takeout soup from the Equitable Building Cafeteria, my advice is to go early. I talked it over with my colleague a little later and she agreed - her wait had been short and her meal hot because she'd headed over around 11:40 instead of the stroke of noon. Or you could just fly down to San Miguel, where the soup is always hot and the sculpture is always beautiful.

OVERALL RATING: 5

It's fish and FRIES, dammit!

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

Full disclosure: this is a review of a lunch actually eaten in a restaurant rather than taken back to my desk. I had fully intended to order takeout, but I ran into a former colleague on the way from my office to Boston Blackie's and we decided to spend a couple of hours talking shop and catching up. Why I decided to order at the restaurant rather than call it in I can't say, but I can say I'm glad I did. Spending time face-to-face with real people is healthy and invigorating. I don't do it often enough during the work week.

On the flip side of this shiny little penny of serendipity was this: Boston Blackie's was practically empty at noon on a Wednesday. Blackie's is never empty at noon. Traditionally, if you want to eat lunch there you need to show up around 11:30 or maybe 11:45 to make sure you can get a table. As my colleague and I were being led to our booth I had this thought: if business is this bad, I wonder if they've started cutting corners, buying crappy ingredients, metaphorically setting traps for cats and rats in the back alley. I took my seat with more than a little trepidation.


Today's Lunch Establishment

Boston Blackie's
164 E Grand Ave
Chicago, IL
312-938-8700


The Order

Fish and FRIES, dammit! (listed as Fish and Chips With Icelandic Cod on the menu)
$10.89 with tax


The Service

One of the nice things about the restaurant being so empty is that service was lightning quick. We had drinks within seconds and our entrees within 10 minutes. Our waiter was attentive without being annoying and the bus boy managed to keep our table clear and neat without hovering. The check came a couple of minutes after the last plates were cleared, and everyone left us alone as we continued talking long after we had finished eating.
RATING: 10


The Presentation

It isn't easy to cram a bunch of beige food (deep fried fish, fries, coleslaw, tartar sauce) onto a single plate without making it look like a pile something out of a children's cartoon, but the chefs at Blackie's managed to keep everything cleanly organized and visually appealing. On the other hand, it wouldn't have killed them to add a dash of color somewhere, maybe a bit of parsley, to provide a little contrast. But between the competent visuals, warm plate and pleasing aroma my appetite was well stoked the minute my order arrived.
RATING: 6


The Food Itself

Most restaurants I've been to serve fish and FRIES (otherwise known as fish and chips) that tastes like it has been boiled first before being deep-fried. Flavorless, greasy and hard on the stomach. Boston Blackie's reputation for doing lunch food right was not sullied, however, as the meal came out just right. The fish batter was crisp on the outside and moist on the inside, and the fish itself was firm and flavorful. The FRIES (otherwise known as chips) were a little on the salty side, but otherwise on par with the fish - crisp on the outside and soft enough on the inside that the vinegar soaked right in. On a side note, I'd recommend water over iced tea or a soft drink with this dish in general. Sweet drinks tend to detract from the salty, greasy goodness.
RATING: 9


Though I ate in this time, I can't imagine a meal like fish and... sigh... CHIPS would've suffered too much from the five minute walk back to my office. And I'm glad that the struggling economy doesn't appear to have forced Boston Blackie's to cut corners on their ingredients (whether or not that was really Icelandic Cod is another issue, but that's a city-wide problem and a discussion for another time). I'll be ordering a proper Mister Takeout meal from Blackie's very soon.

OVERALL RATING: 8

Got Time for a Quickie?

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

Sometimes you just don't have time. Time for good sex. Time to watch your favorite television show. Time for takeout lunch (or to write a decent blog entry about takeout lunch). Luckily, even a quickie is better than no sex, almost everyone with a TV has a DVR attached... and when there's no time for "real" takeout, there's a Starbucks on every corner.

Yes, you read that right. Starbucks. Today was one of those days when I had no time, and over the past two years Starbucks has quietly established itself as the 'Plan Z' for those who can't spare 15 minutes to go pick up a decent meal.


Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

Starbucks
Pick up a rock, close your eyes
Spin around three times, throw the rock
You'll hit one


The Order

One banana and a French vanilla yogurt with strawberries, blueberries and Granola.
$5.67 with tax


The Wait

If I exit my office onto N. Michigan Ave., I can reach Starbucks in 37 steps. I counted. The process of selection, payment and arrival back at my desk took less than five minutes.
RATING: 10


The Packaging

Like most fast food chains, Starbucks over-packages, but they do make a real effort to use either post-consumer or recyclable materials. And as I've mentioned before, I can't complain too much - it isn't like this plethora of plastic comes as a surprise. But I still feel it is my duty to point out when a restaurant isn't being as 'green' as it could be.
RATING: 8


The Presentation

The banana was large and yellow, with just the right number of brown spots indicating perfect ripeness. The yogurt looked just okay. It reminded me of that eighth grade science experiment where you pour dyed liquids of different densities (oil, water, corn syrup) into a beaker and watch them separate. But being pretty sure the layers were in fact yogurt, fruit and granola, I bought it anyway.
RATING: 5


The Food Itself

Remember the first blog entry where I told the story of my trusted colleague calling takeout lunch nothing more than "stomach fill?" This was one of those rare days when he turned out to be right. The banana tasted like a banana and went down quickly. The yogurt combination, once it no longer resembled a science experiment, was a little on the sweet side, but also served to still the rumbling in my tummy.
RATING: 5


If you have time (and money) to go out for lunch, do it. There's nothing like getting out of the office for an hour to clear your head and increase your productivity. If you must eat at your desk, do your best to order something worthwhile for takeout or delivery. Good food isn't the same as time away, but it does lift the spirit and put a little spring in those keyboard pounding fingers. But if worse comes to worst, you could do worse than a quickie on the corner with Starbucks.

OVERALL RATING: 7

Note: this meal fit into the not-get-any-fatter diet so I ate the whole thing myself. I did give the guy outside Walgreens a buck this morning, though, so I think everything balanced out.

Shrimp Oh My Gawd

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

I love Heaven on Seven for a lot of reasons besides the food: the escalator ride up to the restaurant, the festive decorations that soften generic steel-and-glass Chicago skyscraper locale, the friendly hosts and hostesses, the billion-bottle collection of tooth melting hot sauces. But the biggest reason has to be the colorful names of its large selection of Cajun, neo-Cajun and kinda-sorta Chicago Cajun dishes. Etouffee of the Day. Shrimp Ravigote. Jumbo Gumbo. Who comes up with names like these that roll off the tongue and stir the appetite? Heaven on Seven, that's who.

I've eaten in at Heaven on Seven dozens of times and have almost always left with a glow in my belly and a satisfied smile on my face. Until today, however, I had never ordered takeout.

Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

Heaven on Seven
600 N. Michigan
Chicago, IL
312-280-7774


The Order

Shrimp Ravigote (pasta with shrimp and ravigote sauce)
$12.45 with tax (lunch menu price)


The Wait

There was no wait to speak of here. I ordered at 12:30, showed up five minutes early at 12:45 and my order was ready to go. The hostess knew my name without having to be reminded and verbally checked the order to make sure they had gotten everything right. All smiles, colorful beads and efficiencey. You can't ask for more than that.
RATING: 10


The Packaging

Shrimp Ravigote is a wet, heavy dish made up of linguini and a thick, creamy sauce. Nothing spilled in out of the simple styrofoam container into the plain brown paper bag on my way back to the office, but that was likely only because I was extra careful. The packaging makes me think this is a restaurant that doesn't really care if it is a takeout place or not.
RATING: 6


The Presentation

The pink shrimp, green onions and diced red and green bell peppers provided a perfect visual counterpoint to the mass of noodles once I finally got the container to my desk and opened. The food was hot, smelled delicious and most importantly looked incredibly appetizing.
RATING: 9


The Food Itself

I would be hard pressed to recall a more satisfying takeout lunch eaten sitting at my desk. Ever. The noodles were firm, the shrimp were anything but rubbery and the spices comprising Heaven on Seven's own special recipe for ravigote sauce filled my entire head with flavor. And to say there was more than enough to feed two people is an understatement. The homeless woman (who's name I don't know) who got ahold of this after I sampled the few morsels I needed must've thought she'd died and gone to heaven.
RATING: 10


I cannot recommend Heaven on Seven at 600 N. Michigan more highly both as an eat in and takeout restaurant. The food is superb, the service is superior and the meal stays hot all the way to your desk.

OVERALL RATING: 9

Big Bowl of Nothing

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

I'm on what I call a not-get-any-fatter diet. Instead of trying to look good with my shirt off, I'm working to make sure I don't die of a heart attack any time soon. Or, even worse, have to to buy bigger pants every six months. As you may have already guessed, this poses a problem for a guy who's buying takeout three or four times a week so he can review it in this very blog. How do I eat all this good (and bad) stuff without blowing up like Oprah on an upswing?

After discussing the problem with my wife, who is also on the diet, we (meaning she) came up with a brilliant solution: sample the takeout food just enough to get a handle on it, and give the rest to the homeless guys who mill about on the sidewalk outside my building. I admit it will be a major test of willpower to eat a healthy bag lunch from home instead of the steaming, creamy alfredo from the pasta place up the street, but I'm hoping a daily act of charity will help fill the gaping hole left in my soul... er, stomach by the carrots and low fat yogurt.


Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

Big Bowl Fresh Chinese and Thai
60 East Ohio
Chicago, IL
312-951-1888


The Order

Shrimp Pad Thai with Wok Seared Gulf Shrimp
$13.97 with tax


The Wait

I called this one in about 12:15 and was told it would be ready in 20 minutes. Sure enough, when I showed up at 12:37 I could see my order behind the cash register at the bar, packaged up and ready to go. The only problem was there was nobody there to hand it to me. I scanned the restaurant and saw that the lunch rush was in full swing. Fair enough, I thought, I ordered during peak business hours and should expect to have to wait a few minutes to be taken care of. Fifteen minutes later I walked across the restaurant and asked a surly looking waiter if someone could help me with my takeout order. After rolling his eyes and sighing loudly, he said, "Gimme a minute and I'll meet you at the register." Five minutes later Mr. Surly rang me up and gave me his best attempt at a hard look when I failed to leave a tip.
RATING: 0


The Packaging

Big Bowl provides nice, sturdy, reusable bags with string handles that make their unusually heavy meals easy to carry long distances. The container with the pad thai was made of recyclable plastic and sealed up tightly, unlike the leaky styrofoam vessels one often receives from Asian restaurants of all stripes.
RATING: 7


The Presentation

There's not much you can do with pad thai to make it look special. A sprig of cilantro might brighten the dish up a little, but really, what's the point? Despite the interminable wait at the restaurant and the ten minute walk back to my office, the noodles were still steamy and aromatic, and showed no signs of sticking together as I stirred them with my chopsticks.
RATING: 6


The Food Itself

The noodles were perfect - just a slight snap between the teeth as I bit down and a pleasingly delicate texture on the tongue. I'm not much good at identifying individual herbs and spices in a dish, but I know a good balance of flavors when I taste one and this dish had it in spades. Just as I was beginning to be transported to gustatory nirvana, I noticed something that made my stomach sink: there were only four shrimp in the whole pile of pad thai. I turned, I lifted, I swirled, I even raised the container up to my face for closer inspection, but sure enough, just four measly shrimp. And there, folks, went the entire meal. I'm not aware of any international pad thai standard that determines the number of shrimp per dollar, but for 14 bucks I certainly expected a lot more than I got. I called and complained and was offered 10% my my next meal at big bowl, but I'm not sure I'll be back to collect.
RATING: 0


It is possible Big Bowl is one of those restaurants you have to eat-in at in order to receive good service and a decent value for your dollar. I've heard friends and colleagues return from long lunches raving about this curry or that dumpling or the unique drink menu. But as a restaurant that offers takeout lunch, Big Bowl on Ohio serves up a big bowl of nothing.

OVERALL RATING: 3

Substandard Salad

(Mister Takeout can be found on Twitter @mistertakeout and on FB as John Q Takeout)

When I first ran the idea of a takeout and delivery lunch review blog by a trusted colleague, his response was less than enthusiastic. "Takeout food is stomach fill, not fine dining. People - including you - are sitting in their cubes sweating over deadlines and shoveling food in their faces so they can keep their blood sugar up. They barely even taste it. What's to review?"

And while he had a point, I decided after about fifteen seconds of thoughtful consideration that my colleague was wrong. Being forced to eat lunch at our desks every day is bad enough - why should we have to settle for crappy food as well? And so I have made it my mission to seek out the best takeout and delivery lunches in Chicago, or, failing that, give deadline-sweating shovel-munchers everywhere a guide to where not to spend their hard-earned dollars.

Some things to know:

1) I don't just review the food. I dissect everything from the service time to the packaging.

2) I rate on a scale of 1-10, one being, "Oh my God, this is worse than Denny's," and 10 being, "For the next 15 minutes I love my job and everyone I work with." I assign a rating to each category and average them out at the end. The food quality is more heavily weighted than the other categories, however.

3) There is no three. Two things just aren't enough for a proper list.

And now, let us break the champagne bottle on the prow of Mister Takeout's inaugural review.


Today's Takeout Lunch Establishment

Corner Bakery Cafe #245
444 N. Michigan
Chicago, IL
312-596-0793


The Order

Harvest Salad With Roast Chicken
$8.13 with tax


The Wait

I walked in at noon to find a very short line. The cash registers were well staffed and I was able to order by 12:05. After paying, I was given a plastic disc with an order number and politely asked to sit on a comfortable couch while they prepared my salad. Seven minutes later I was handed a bag with my order by a smiling waitress, thanked politely and asked to come again soon. Not bad at all for a high-end fast food chain masquerading as a corner deli.
RATING: 10


The Packaging

Two words: landfill city. The salad container had its own bag, which was then placed in another bag that contained the individually vacuum-sealed, plastic-wrapped condiments, utensils and napkins. Three packets in all. Even the bread sticks, which could have easily fit inside the salad container, came wrapped in four layers of paper napkins. Of all the packaging, only the napkins were recyclable. I do accept a certain amount of responsibility here - ordering out is not the greenest way to "prepare" a meal - but the Corner Bakery Cafe Harvest Salad packaging was over the top.
RATING: 2


The Presentation

Food can smell good and taste good, but if it doesn't look good, it isn't good. After finally managing to extract the salad container from its many layers of packaging, my appetite was immediately stoked. The placement of the grilled chicken, sliced green apples, raisins, walnuts and bleu cheese crumbles atop the baby greens was an asymmetrically balanced feast for the eyes. A touch of red or orange somewhere would have made the presentation perfect, but Corner Bakery has a good thing going here.
RATING: 8


The Food Itself

The first thing I noticed as I began to dig in was that the container was too shallow to properly mix salad ingredients, forcing me to eat my meal... piecemeal. So that's how I'll review the food.

Mixed baby greens: fresh and nicely textured. Someone at store #245 is paying attention to produce.

Grilled chicken: no visual evidence of grilling here. Limp, slimy and seasoned with WAY too much pepper.

Sliced green apples: crisp, slightly tangy and beautifully colored. By far the best part of the meal.

Raisins: stuck together in one gelatinous clump. Even had the container been deep enough, I would not have been able to separate the raisins to mix them in.

Walnuts: stale, mushy and tasteless. Ruining walnuts is kind of like burning water, but Corner Bakery managed to pull it off.

Bleu cheese: crumbly and pleasantly tangy. I was glad it was there to help make the raisins and walnuts edible.

Vinaigrette dressing: more oil than anything else. I wish I had eaten the salad without it.

Bread sticks: like matzoh with cheap Italian seasoning and too much salt. Threw them away after just one bite.
RATING: 4


In Corner Bakery Store #245's defense, they made a better Harvest Salad than I could have myself. The service was great, the price wasn't too bad and the ingredients were healthy. On the other hand, my overall impression was of a salad that was prepared earlier that morning along with dozens of others and placed in a walk-in refrigerator until lunch time. I honestly believe Corner Bakery buys decent ingredients, and a freshly tossed Harvest Salad would have been delicious and satisfying. What I got instead was something that did a decent job of filling my stomach while I worked to meet that latest deadline.

OVERALL RATING: 5